The Weight of Holding

How many times have you heard it?

“You’re spoiling your baby”?

“If you keep holding them, they’ll never want to be put down”?

“They’ll never sleep properly if they only fall asleep in your arms”?

I’ve heard those words too — more times than I can count.

And for a while, I genuinely wondered if I was doing something wrong.

These comments — said casually, almost carelessly — begin to pile up inside us.

They settle quietly in the corners of our hearts, whispering fears that were never ours to begin with.

Fears that we’re making mistakes.

That we’re creating dependence.

That our arms are becoming a crutch.

That love — pure and instinctive — might somehow become a problem.

And just like that, guilt finds its way in.

Softly at first, then louder.

Until it makes us question what we know deep down to be true:

That holding our babies is exactly what they need.

Because holding isn’t spoiling.

It’s safety. It’s reassurance.

It’s love in its most tangible form.

It’s where our baby remembers our scent, recognises our heartbeat, and settles into a world that finally feels familiar.

It’s their first home — and in many ways, ours too.

Being held is a need.

For them, and for us.

In the sleepless haze of early days, in the cries we can’t yet decode, in the tiredness that clings to our bones — holding our baby brings comfort to both of us.

It anchors us. It softens everything.

It reminds us: this love has weight, and it’s worth carrying.

Still, the guilt lingers.

Not because it belongs to us — but because it was handed to us.

By well-meaning relatives.

By strangers in queues.

By voices echoing outdated beliefs, wrapped in concern.

They tell us to be careful. To pull back.

To teach independence too soon.

That our arms are indulgent. That our love might be too much.

That we’re doing it wrong.

But here’s what I want you to know:

There is no such thing as too much affection.

No such thing as too many cuddles.

No such thing as loving your baby too deeply.

Holding your baby won’t ruin them.

It teaches them they are safe.

That they are seen.

That they belong.

We need more arms wide open, and fewer fingers pointing.

More support, less doubt.

More gentleness with ourselves.

You are not getting it wrong.

You are choosing connection.

You are building trust.

You are teaching your child — through your presence — that the world can be a kind place.

And you?

You give so much — your time, your presence, your arms.

When was the last time someone held you?

Because mothers need holding too.

Not always in arms, but in understanding.

In “I see you.” In “You’re doing your best.”

In the quiet presence of someone who stays, without judgement, without rushing you to be okay.

Let’s talk more about that.

Let’s bring holding back to its rightful place.

Let’s stop treating comfort as a flaw.

Let’s release the guilt.

Because in the end, holding is where mother and baby meet —and for a moment, everything feels right again.

If you’d like to understand more deeply what lies behind your baby’s changing sleep patterns — and how to support them through each phase — the Infant Sleep Academy is here to help. Our L.O.V.E. Method will guide your family with science, empathy and gentleness, helping you rediscover rest as it’s meant to be: natural, respectful and full of love.

By Mariana Friend

Child & Infant Sleep Specialist, founder of the Infant Sleep Academy, and creator of the L.O.V.E. Method — a compassionate, science-based approach that honours each baby’s unique rhythm and nurtures rest through connection.