Separation Anxiety: understanding this tender journey for you and your baby

Separation anxiety is one of those stages we hear about but only truly grasp when it arrives in our own lives. It’s the moment you try to leave the room ever so quietly, only to hear your baby’s cry fill the silence, or when you notice that the little one who once settled happily with others now finds comfort only in your arms. If you’re in this phase, pause and breathe: you are not alone.

Yes, it can bring tears and unease, but it also marks a precious milestone in your baby’s emotional growth — the realisation that you still exist, even when you’re not in sight. And often, alongside your baby’s cry, comes the mother’s own ache, as she learns to navigate the tenderness and challenge of stepping away.

Yet within the tears, the cuddles, and those heartfelt goodbyes, something quiet and beautiful is taking place: the bond between you grows stronger. Separation anxiety, while difficult, is also a sign of growth — for your baby, and for you.

In the pages ahead, we’ll explore when this stage usually appears, how it tends to unfold, and, most importantly, the gentle ways to move through it — with presence, patience, and meaning for the whole family.

What is separation anxiety?

Separation anxiety is a natural and meaningful stage in your baby’s emotional and physical development. It often shows up between 6 and 24 months, with its peak usually around 8 to 10 months, when your baby begins to realise something both exciting and unsettling: they and their mother (or main caregiver) are not the same person. Until then, they experienced themselves as an extension of you — one body, one space, one world.

Gradually, your baby discovers that when you leave their sight, you still exist. What may seem simple to us adults is, for them, a huge and sometimes overwhelming emotional discovery. Anxiety arises because they know you are still out there, but they cannot yet grasp or control when (or if) you will return. Crying becomes their most instinctive and powerful way of saying: “Stay with me, I still need you here.”

This is what gives shape to separation anxiety, leading your baby to cry, become unsettled, or show other signs whenever you are not nearby. These feelings often grow stronger at bedtime, when the physical and emotional distance of being out of your arms feels even more intense. It is common for night wakings to increase, or for your baby to find it harder to settle back to sleep on their own.

Over time, though, as they experience your return again and again, they begin to build something invaluable: the foundations of trust and the first steps towards autonomy that will support their future relationships.

So, although this stage can be challenging — for both you and your baby — separation anxiety is also an opportunity: a chance to deepen the bond of love and security that will remain with them for life.

Why is this phase important?

Separation anxiety is not simply an emotional reaction — it is part of a wider process that reflects your baby’s cognitive and emotional development. It signals growth: your baby is becoming more aware of the world around them and slowly beginning to understand that your absence is only temporary.

Challenging as it may feel, this stage brings with it some important milestones:

• Your baby starts to develop object permanence — the ability to grasp that something (or someone) continues to exist even when out of sight.

• The bond between you deepens, as they recognise you as someone unique, special, and irreplaceable.

• It lays the foundation for future autonomy, since learning to cope with small separations is a natural and necessary part of emotional growth.

So, even when the tears feel heavy on your heart, remember: separation anxiety is a healthy step towards building your baby’s trust and emotional security.

How to recognise separation anxiety in daily life

Every baby experiences separation anxiety in their own way. For some, it appears in big and obvious ways; for others, it shows up more quietly. Both are entirely normal. What matters is noticing your little one’s behaviour and recognising when they are asking for more closeness and reassurance. Understanding these signs helps you to see what your baby is feeling — and to respond with the comfort they need in this tender stage.

Some of the most common signs include:

• Frequent crying at separation: perhaps the clearest sign. Your baby cries when the mother or main caregiver leaves, often in an intense or persistent way, because they haven’t yet learnt how to cope with absence.

• Increased clinginess: they may want to be held constantly, grab onto your clothes, or refuse to leave your side. This isn’t “manipulation”, it’s a way of seeking safety in the face of anxiety.

• Fear of strangers or new situations: unfamiliar faces or different environments may bring tears, discomfort, or the urge to hide. This shows your baby is beginning to distinguish who belongs to their circle of trust.

• Changes in sleep: during this phase, it’s common for babies to find it harder to fall asleep, wake more often in the night, or become anxious when they notice you leaving the room.

• Changes in appetite: anxiety can also affect eating. Some babies eat less, while others may turn to food for comfort and eat more than usual.

These signs can vary in how strong or long-lasting they are, but they all carry the same message: your baby is asking for closeness, comfort, and security.

Noticing these signals is the first step. The next is learning how to support your baby through them — gently, patiently, and without rushing the process.

Caring for your baby (and yourself) in this phase

There’s no magic formula for moving through this stage, but there are ways to make it gentler and to help your baby feel safe when faced with separation. The goal isn’t to take away the anxiety instantly, but to embrace this part of development with calm, patience, and presence.

• Create a predictable routine: when your baby knows what to expect, they feel more secure and confident. A consistent daily rhythm, especially with soothing bedtime rituals, can ease worry and bring comfort.

• Anticipate what will happen: let your baby know before you leave. Even if they don’t yet understand every word, your reassuring voice makes a difference. A simple explanation — “I’m going out now, and I’ll be back soon” — builds predictability and trust.

• Avoid sneaking away: slipping out without saying goodbye can increase insecurity. Clear and loving farewells, even if brief, help your baby feel safer.

• Practise small separations: playful moments like peekaboo show your baby that you may disappear, but you always return, planting the seeds of trust.

• Keep goodbyes short and confident: long, drawn-out exits can heighten anxiety. A warm hug, a smile and a few encouraging words are far more soothing than trying to slip away unnoticed.

• Look after your own emotions: babies sense how we feel. When you approach separation with calm and confidence, your baby feels more able to cope too.

• Offer a comfort object: a blanket, soft toy, or a comforter can act as a bridge of reassurance, helping your baby feel connected to you even when you’re not there.

• Prioritise connection at home: sing, dance, play, read stories. Simple moments of undivided presence, away from screens and distractions, nurture your bond and make your baby feel deeply loved and secure.

• Respect your baby’s pace: each child experiences separation differently. Be patient, offer comfort, and show — again and again — that you always return. This steady consistency builds lasting trust.

And above all, remember: this isn’t about “spoiling” your baby or creating “bad habits”. It’s about recognising and responding to a real emotional need, while strengthening the bond of trust that will carry your child for a lifetime.

The Other Side of Separation: A Mother’s Heartache

It isn’t only babies who find distance difficult. Many mothers also experience their own form of separation anxiety.

The heart aches when it’s time to return to work, to leave the baby at nursery, or even to settle them to sleep in another room. Alongside this ache often come feelings of guilt, worries about not being present enough, and fears that the bond could weaken.

But it’s worth remembering: the bond is not measured by constant physical closeness, but by the quality of the moments you share. A baby does not need a perfect mother — only a real one: a mother who loves, comforts, and also allows herself to be cared for.

Acknowledging your own feelings, giving them space, and seeking support from family, friends, or professionals is an act of deep care. Not just for you, but for your baby too. Because when a mother feels supported, the comfort she offers becomes even stronger.

A step towards growth, not away from love

Try to see this stage not only as a challenge, but as an opportunity: a chance to nurture your baby’s trust, showing them that even when you step away, love and safety remain unchanged.

Separation anxiety, though testing at times, is a natural and meaningful part of development — for both baby and mother. It is within the rhythm of parting and returning that the bond deepens and trust quietly takes root.

And remember: you don’t need to hold all the answers. What matters most is your presence — offered with love, patience and consistency. In time, your baby will learn that whenever you go, you will always return. And you, as a mother, will come to see that love endures — steady and unshaken — even across moments of distance.

If you’d like to understand more deeply what lies behind your baby’s changing sleep patterns — and how to support them through each phase — the Infant Sleep Academy is here to help. Our L.O.V.E. Method will guide your family with science, empathy and gentleness, helping you rediscover rest as it’s meant to be: natural, respectful and full of love.

By Mariana Friend

Child & Infant Sleep Specialist, founder of the Infant Sleep Academy, and creator of the L.O.V.E. Method — a compassionate, science-based approach that honours each baby’s unique rhythm and nurtures rest through connection.